Grace Notes
by penbird
Summary: “They think he’ll be sentenced to life. In Azkaban,” Dumbledore said gently.
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: 'Grace Notes'  
  
AUTHOR: Elizabeth  
  
EMAIL: nutshell11@hotmail.com  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters are not mine, they belong to J.K. Rowling and a host of merchandising companies. I'm different to the companies, honest, because I use for fun, not for profit. Entirely by unselfish choice, of course.  
  
RATING: PG-13.   
  
WARNING: Slashy. If it's not your thing, I get to point to this warning and act all self-righteous   
  
SUMMARY: Three short stories about Remus and Sirius set before, during and after 'The Voldemort Thing'. Told from Remus' POV, the changes in the relationship ...or lack of changes, should Liz turn out to be inadequate-writing girl.  
  
FEEDBACK: Would be much appreciated. Fairly new to writing, so any comments or criticisms are really welcome.  
  
  
  
***************************  
  
"C'mon, Remus - you have to." Sirius sounded impatient.  
  
"No," Remus said, looking down at his breakfast. His toast was getting cold. He grimaced: he wasn't hungry anymore anyway. He pushed his plate to the side, where it was intercepted by Lily, who had no objections to cold, chewy toast.   
  
"C'mon! Everybody's gonna be there - you have to! Even _Peter _ agreed. C'mon."   
  
"I don't know..." Peter interrupted, staring at the table.  
  
"Oh for...See what you've done?" Sirius demanded, gesturing at Peter, who flushed miserably.  
  
"I'm still not doing it," Remus said stubbornly.   
  
"I don't" -   
  
"You have to admit, the Slytherins have been unbearable lately," Lily pointed out, reaching for the jam.  
  
"Plus - our last year. We'll never have another chance again," James cut in.  
  
"And you can't say it isn't fair. Gryffindor against Slytherin - may the best house win," Sirius spread his arms wide.  
  
"I have work to do. I'm studying with Athena."  
  
"You can call it off - just this once. It's not like _you _ have anything to worry about, exam-wise," James smiled, pushing his glasses up his nose.  
  
Remus simply pressed his lips together.   
  
"You _can't _ say they don't deserve it," Sirius burst out. "Acting like they own the place, pulling all those sneaky tricks...remember what Malfoy did to Peter?"  
  
The small boy's hands flew to his stomach instinctively.  
  
"And with Dumbledore gone, it's up to us to" -   
  
"To what? Make things worse?" Remus asked. "I don't see why we have to _do _ anything. Can't we, for _once _, just drop it?"  
  
"And back down?" Sirius asked, eyes narrowing.  
  
"Forget it. Forget I said anything. Just...forget it"  
  
"So you'll do it?" he pressed.  
  
"I've said no. Repeatedly. What do you _not understand _?" Remus demanded. The din of breakfast-time pressed in on him and he could almost feel every single knife-clank clatter down on his head. He stood up; the mingling smells of food, combined with the sight of Lily's jam-heaped toast made his stomach flip-flop in protest.   
  
"I think it's a stupid idea," he continued. "It's so stupid, I have trouble believing you came up with it, and that's saying something. It's not only stupid - it'll get everyone into trouble. And - as if it matters - it's damn dangerous."  
  
Sirius stared back from the completely quiet table. Lily bit her lip worriedly, while James looked up from under raised eyebrows.   
  
Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus made a small disgusted noise and grabbed his bookbag.  
  
"...let him go..."  
  
"...know how he gets..."  
  
Were all he heard as he strode out of the Hall. Apart from the cat-calls of the Slytherin table. The sick feeling in his stomach intensified.  
  
*************************************  
  
"...induces the victim to reveal his or her most secret desires to the spellcaster - Remus?"  
  
"Hmmm?" he asked guiltily.  
  
"You're not listening. This is the third time I've found you staring at the clock."  
  
"Sorry," he apologized, scrambling for his notes. *Quarter past - they're mounting their brooms *  
  
Another half hour and he had given it up as useless. *Everyone's well into it by now*  
  
"'Thena? Would you mind if we finished up some other time?"  
  
Her lips tightened. "You're not going to the Slytherin-Gryffindor scrap, are you?"  
  
He didn't answer: busied himself shoving books into his bag.  
  
"Oh, Remus! They're going to get everyone into trouble. Just because Professor Dumbledore's away doesn't mean the teachers don't _notice _ things - and they'd have to be blind to miss a fight on the Quidditch pitch."  
  
He remained silent.  
  
"Honestly! I thought _you'd _ have more sense. You're all going to lose points."  
  
"All the more left for Ravenclaw, then," Remus snapped.   
  
Athena straightened. "You're right. It'll be nice to see the cup won by good sense and judgement for _ once _."  
  
He felt something heavy press down on him, sharpening his words, egging him on. *No, no, stop. Not _here _ *  
  
"The cup" - he began, then snapped his mouth shut, forced the words down.  
  
"I thought at least _you _ had enough brains to realise...oh! I don't know why I even bother."  
  
She jerked angrily to her feet and swept her books off the table. She shook her head as if to clear it.   
  
"See you next week," she said resignedly. Remus felt something ease inside of him, and it was easier to breathe.   
  
She still didn't look at him as she left.  
  
"Okay - next week," he called uncertainly after her.  
  
*****************************  
  
The stars were shining brightly in the moonless sky as Remus made his way down to the pitch. He thrust his hands into his pockets and searched about for a familiar face. Hufflepuffs and the occasional Ravenclaw littered the ground, while Gryffindor and Slytherin brooms crowded the skies.  
  
The dark loomed around the tiny figures. Remus squinted upwards - and bumped into Peter.   
  
"Hey! You came!" he said, happily surprised. He was clutching his right elbow with his left hand.  
  
"Yes. Most people seemed to be...drawn here," Remus said, glancing around at the anxious looking Hufflepuffs and the silent Ravenclaws.  
  
"It's incredible, isn't it? And every...almost everyone in Gryffindor and Slytherin showed up to fight."  
  
Remus frowned. "Are you not...?" he gestured skyward, awkwardly.  
  
Peter flushed. "I was, but I fell off my broom."  
  
"Are you all right?" Remus asked, in concern.  
  
"I'm fine!" Peter assured him earnestly. "I was only a foot off the ground at the time."  
  
He smothered a smile, and concentrated on the tiny figures above him.  
  
***********************************  
  
The more Remus watched, the more worried he became. The fight had been going on for an hour - no teacher had interrupted. This in itself was strange.   
  
The shouting, name-calling and insults that accompanied any Gryffindor-Slytherin competition had died down, and now the only noises were Lily's occasional whoops, and the sounds of spell casting.  
  
Students from the two different houses fought: charm clashing against charm until finally one party was defeated, and limped away. The ranks of both sides diminished, and still those remaining fought on, strangely intense.  
  
Remus shivered. Spell-bursts silvered the rain, while high above, purplish mist spread over the sky. He could make out the small gleam of light on James' glasses as he headed straight for Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"Ohhhh, I can't look," Peter moaned, ducking his head.   
  
Remus breathed in too-thin air as sharp yellow light surged from Malfoy's wand. James pulled hard on his broom and swerved to the right, missing the spell.   
  
"He made it!" he told Peter, who dared look up again. James dove under Malfoy's broom, and then shot upwards and around, a faint line glowing from his wand. Peter grinned as James rocketed off, leaving Malfoy bound by dim enchanted chains.  
  
"GO James!" he shouted, pumping both arms in the air. He froze at Remus' stare, and abruptly lowered his hands, blushing.   
  
"I didn't...it was just..."  
  
"It's all right. I won't say anything," Remus promised kindly.  
  
"Thanks," Peter mumbled.  
  
Remus looked up again, watching as Lily unseated both Bertha and Reiver Goyle - using a gravity spell and a well-timed kick to the head...  
  
And Remus couldn't shake the feeling that - that this was wrong. It wasn't like Lily and James to let the Slytherins provoke them to violence. Barring small tricks and mischief, the headboy and girl did try and set an example.   
  
It wasn't even Sirius' style to organise a - a war against the Slytherins. Marauders aside, Sirius wasn't the sort to drop people in trouble. And no matter how deep the feud between Gryffindors and Slytherins ran - it wasn't _like _ them to engage in a grim, fierce spell battle.  
  
Remus shook himself, but the uneasy feeling remained. It was like...it was as if something *or someONE * were lurking in the dark, approving James' skilled spell-casting...and at the same time, admiring the way Lucius Malfoy struck when James' back was turned. Appreciating Lily's inventiveness, but still enjoying the way Bertha and Reiver ganged up on her...  
  
It was silly, Remus told himself. Ridiculous. With Dumbledore gone and the terrible stories leaking into the school daily...people were a bit tense and snappish: that was all. There was no need to conjure up a mysterious Presence to explain it. Still, his stomach churned uncomfortably.  
  
He caught sight of Sirius circling Snape and tensed.   
  
"Don't be an idiot, Sirius," he whispered, staring up into the dark sky.   
  
"What? What's he doing?" he heard Peter ask faintly. "What can you see? I don't see him. Where is he?"   
  
Remus didn't answer, too taken up with the sight above.  
  
Their brooms travelled in larger and larger loops, each rider keeping sight of the other. Snape pointed his wand, which spat out a green wavering light. Remus clenched his fingers tight, as Sirius raised his wand and shouted something. Red sparks met with the green light and Remus sighed in relief as they neutralised each other.  
  
"Wow. I've got him now. Gosh - he's using Hesketh's spell...that's pretty advanced, isn't it? I can never get the hang of it..."  
  
Peter's voice sounded very far away as the brooms continued in their wide ring. His words faded altogether as Sirius thumped his heels together, put his head down...and charged. Remus' heart hammered as they rushed towards each other.   
  
"Nononono!" he repeated numbly. "Sirius, you stupid..."  
  
He flinched at the loud crack and splinter of broomsticks, and his stomach heaved as Snape fell like a tattered black bird, to the ground...followed by Sirius.  
  
He ran, struggling through suddenly syrupy air on unsteady legs - but Sirius was already getting to his feet as Remus reached him.  
  
"You came!" he said, "Knew you wouldn't stay away". He smiled widely; split lip dribbling blood.  
  
Remus gulped in much needed air. "Been here a while. Long enough to see you dive-bomb out of the sky. Always knew you had a hard head. Could bounce the world on top, and it wouldn't crack." He gasped in too quickly, and the last part came out like a sob.  
  
"Take a lot more than one little crash to kill me off," Sirius claimed.  
  
"I know it," that came out shakily too.  
  
"I'm okay," he said seriously, looking intently at Remus.  
  
"No, you're not," he snapped. "You're bleeding, and look at your fingers - they've been bent backwards. Probably broken a few. You're just lucky you weren't..." He looked away, trying to steady his heart, calm down. His eyes stopped at a nearby black bundle.  
  
*No. Oh no. Pleasepleaseplease don't let Sirius have...he'll never forgive... *  
  
Remus' horror lifted as Snape slowly braced his arms under him, and pushed upwards.  
  
"Want a hand?" Sirius called out mockingly.   
  
"The day I need help from you, is the day I cease to be." Snape pulled himself hurriedly to his feet. Too hurriedly - as one foot caught on the edge of his cloak and almost sent him toppling again.  
  
"Are you all right?" Remus asked, reluctantly, as the other swayed unsteadily on his feet, greasy hair over one eye, blood dripping from above the other. "You look" -   
  
"You may spare your concern," he hissed cuttingly. "I doubt that oaf would be able to harm me given a full set of instructions and a collection of sharp objects."  
  
Sirius' face tightened. "Come on. Admit it Snape - I beat you. With all your mean little tricks and underhand spells...the better wizard still won."  
  
"Oh, I doubt that. I very much doubt that."  
  
"_I _ don't."  
  
Snape straightened, and swept the hair out of his face. He stared at Sirius challengingly.   
  
"Have a good look then. Remember this _victory _ - because I can guarantee, it'll be the last one you ever have." He brought his chin up. "Things are changing - and I won't forget you...or what you've done."  
  
"I'm terrified," Sirius deadpanned, as Remus said, "Please - I have a medi-wizard kit...I really think you should" -   
  
Snape turned slowly...and spat a bloody mouthful at Sirius' feet.  
  
"Enjoy it while it lasts, Black. But you and your _puppy _ will soon find out...things are changing."  
  
"Very cryptic. I like my threats to have a bit more...substance to them," Sirius remarked. Remus said nothing, but watching Snape stride off, saw him limp slightly as he got further away.  
  
They turned back to the others. A flushed Lily was trying to explain something to Peter, while James hovered nearby on his broomstick.  
  
"Victory lap of the school!" he proclaimed suddenly. "Peter, hop up!"  
  
A smile transfigured the other boy's face.  
  
"Oh - if your arm is up to it, I mean," James amended hastily.  
  
"No - it's fine! It - it hardly hurts at all now," he said, with a sideways glance at Remus.  
  
"Upwards and Onwards then!" Lily cried, grabbing her own broom. When Sirius made to follow them, Remus grabbed his wrist.  
  
"You're coming with me. You need the services of a medi-wizard kit, and it just so happens that I know a student who has one."  
  
"And he'll let me use it? Sounds generous," Sirius teased.  
  
"Oh, I never said he wouldn't charge a price."  
  
********************  
  
"OW! That bloody _hurts _!" Sirius scowled belligerently as Remus concentrated a thin beam of blue light onto his cut lip, the edges of which slowly came together.  
  
"Keep still. Maybe if you hadn't come crashing onto the Quidditch pitch at speed it wouldn't hurt as much. Or _ at all_," Remus couldn't resist saying. However, he did resist the urge to ruffle Sirius' hair. He decided that counted as a victory.  
  
"I'm okay, Moony. Really," Sirius chose this moment to become serious, and Remus turned away quickly.  
  
"I _know _. I know," despite his best attempts, his voice caught on the words.  
  
"Anyway, it was worth it," Sirius insisted. "You should see the other sod," laughter bubbled up in his voice.  
  
"I already did," Remus said tightly, turning away to dip some bandages in witch-hazel.  
  
"Yeah - and what was _that _ all about? 'Come with me - I've got a medi-kit; I'll fix you up', huh? Whose side are you on?"   
  
As quickly as that, all the ease and comfort seeped out of the room, while something hard and strange and unyielding oozed back in.  
  
"He was hurt," Remus said calmly. *Not here too * "Maybe you didn't see but he was limping when he walked away. You knocked him off his broom tonight. You could have killed him, Padfoot," he said gently.  
  
Sirius' face went blank for a moment before congealing into hard lines. "No great loss," he said carelessly.  
  
"You don't mean that, Sirius."  
  
"What - like you'd mope for a month if dear Severus croaked?"  
  
"That's not the point," Remus said steadily, swallowing down the small part of him hat whispered *Right, right, he's right. When the dark swallows them up, you won't be alone. Run wild - like you want to... * He shook his head.  
  
"And since when have you _ever _ cared about _Snape's _ wellbeing?"   
  
"I _don't _!" Remus said, slamming the lid of the kit down. "I care about _yours _"  
  
Sirius' narrowed his eyes challengingly. "I could beat Snape with my wand-hand tied behind my back."  
  
"Well, maybe you shouldn't!" Remus stopped, forced himself to breathe. Let that dark swirl of tension and half-formed fear dissipate. *Okay, it's okay, he's okay. Just stress. We're all stressed right now. That's all this is *  
  
"Don't expect me to believe...!" Sirius exploded. "I _know _ you better than that, Remus - and you can't tell me you're afraid of that, that greasy sneak!"  
  
"What about what he could _do _? Or what Malfoy, or - or Reiver Goyle, or Archpane Coyle could do? Now isn't the best time for grudges, Sirius. Hands please."  
  
Sirius obediently proffered his hands, which Remus took in his own.   
  
"Well I don't see how else to deal with lunkheads like Malfoy and Snape," he grumbled.  
  
Remus sighed. "Dumbledore's been gone most of this year. Whatever...or _Whoever _ he's dealing with, can't be simple," Remus chose his words carefully. "We should all be sticking together. Even - even wolves run with the pack."   
  
He averted his eyes, and mumbled a healing charm. His teeth began to buzz and his tongue tingled as the words thrummed out. Sirius' swollen fingers straightened.  
  
"I don't think Snape and Malfoy, or their goonies, would run with any pack that included mudbloods. Or wizards without their own account in Gringotts," Sirius pointed out matter-of-factly.  
  
"Maybe not. But we don't have to draw them on us," Remus argued. "Where do you think You-Know-Who is going to find more recruits for his army? And they're not exactly the type to forget about being knocked off broomsticks, or being beaten in Quidditch."  
  
Sirius looked quelled for a few moments, before saying, "You worry too much, Moony. This'll all be over by the summer - I bet you," he continued cockily. But he didn't meet Remus' eyes.   
  
"And where did you receive this highly confidential information, might I ask?"   
  
"Educated guess. But if Dumbledore can handle _me _, You-Know-Who should be a snap," Sirius grinned, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "I bet this'll all have blown over by the time we finish. Then James and Lily will get married in peace, and drive us all bats with their marital bliss, settle down and start churning out kids, which I think they've been practicing for quite some time," he winked and leered at Remus, then continued. "Peter...Peter will disappear into the muggle world, and set up a pet shop...but only deal in small animals, like hamsters and rabbits."  
  
"You wish," Remus smiled.  
  
"You bet I do."  
  
"And what about me?" he asked curiously. "Where am I going to end   
up?"  
  
"Oh, you're going to become a medi-wizard, of course," Sirius said airily, waving his left arm around. Remus realised suddenly that Sirius' right hand was still curled around his own palm. With a hum of awareness he realised how close their heads lay.  
  
"You'll be a world renowned medi-wizard, and people'll line up for an appointment with you," Sirius continued, enchanted by his own idea, grinning unabashedly at Remus  
  
"Yes, I can see people lining up to get close to a werewolf, paying money to have a incurably diseased human treat _their _ diseases. When pigs sprout wings and fly, of course," Remus smiled dryly.  
  
"Next Monday, in Transfiguration," Sirius shot back. "Seriously, Moony - anything you want, you can do it."  
  
"'Somewhere ooover the rainbow  
Skies are bluuuue  
Aaaahand the dreams that you dare to dream  
Really do come true," Remus sang jokingly. "You're awfully optimistic tonight, Padfoot. You must have hit your head harder than I thought."  
  
"No, I didn't mean it like..." Sirius said, exasperated. "I meant - I meant...if it's what you want, _you _ can do it." He squeezed Remus' hand, and Remus was glad for the dim light of the wand-lit bedroom, as a wave of warmth rippled from his fingers to his cheeks. Remus was almost certain that the rest of the room had disappeared, leaving only the circle of faint wand light illuminating himself and Sirius.  
  
"You can't let other people tell you what you can and can't do," Sirius continued, then shrugged off his serious manner, grinning, "Just tell them to sod off, like I plan to."  
  
"And what are you going to be?" Remus asked, eyes tracking Sirius' well-known face, as if he hadn't already committed it to memory.  
  
Sirius gifted him wit a lazy smile. "Brilliant, of course."  
  
"Of course," Remus said mock-gravely.  
  
"I'll do something...something completely unexpected. Surprise everyone. I'm tired of them thinking they know me. I'll show them - surprise them all."  
  
"Not me," Remus shook his head slightly.  
  
"No?"  
  
"Nothing you do could ever surprise me," Remus said quietly. "I know you."  
  
"Nothing?" Sirius questioned. As if in a dream, Remus felt Sirius' free hand slide past his coat, burrow past his jumper, and come to press against his right side. He took a sharp breath in; felt sure Sirius could count his ribs. Sirius' other hand took a firmer grasp of Remus'.  
  
"Nothing?" he asked again.  
  
*Is this how it's going to happen? *  
  
Remus forced his eyes to meet the challenge in Sirius'.  
  
*_ Is_ it going to happen now? *  
  
"Nothing," he said steadily.  
  
Sirius kept his eyes on Remus as he slowly moved his hand upwards, then back, awkwardly stroking.  
  
It felt, to Remus, as if his heart were slowly and painfully unfurling.  
  
*Keep me with you, Sirius. I like who I am when I'm with you. I trust myself when you're near. You're brave, and bright, and you don't _know _ the dark you keep me from. Touch me again...please...let me feel like part of you*  
  
Sirius leaned nearer, "Re" -   
  
Only to jerk backwards as James and Peter burst in.  
  
"...Should have brought my invisibility cloak," James said ruefully, shaking his wet hair. "We had to go the long way around and duck into the bathrooms for a half-hour. McGonagall almost caught Lily."  
  
"We'll all be in trouble tomorrow," Peter said morosely. "We heard Them talking."  
  
James yanked his jumper and pants off and clambered into bed without further ado.  
  
"Could have been worse," he yawned.  
  
"Mmmm," Peter said dubiously, puttering about, folding his clothes neatly at the foot of his bed.  
  
Sirius slipped off Remus' bed without looking at him. "Night," he called casually over his shoulder.  
  
"Night," James called back, drowning out Remus' response.  
  
**********************************  
  
*Everything will be back to normal tomorrow * Remus comforted himself hollowly. He stared up into the darkness.   
  
*I'm sure everything will sort itself out soon. *  
  
****************************** 


	2. Losers and Losing

TITLE: Losers and Losing  
  
AUTHOR: Elizabeth  
  
EMAIL: nutshell11@hotmail.com  
  
DISCLAIMER: I have no part of the Harry Potter business. Well, technically I do – but it's as a lowly consumer, not the almighty creator/owner. I'm dancing to the tune of the 'Not-mine, not-mine' song.  
  
SUMMARY: Remus, Sirius, crisis, Dumbledore, jungle. Not exactly in that order.  
  
NOTES: Um. Second part of 'Grace Notes'. But you don't have to have read the first one for it to make sense. Set almost immediately after Voldemort's defeat. Thoughts in *__*, past memories in [ ].  
  
FEEDBACK: very very welcome, if you don't mind.  
  
  
  
Remus stood staring at his own reflection in the tiny window. Which didn't look out onto anything important, just a tangle of rooftops and jutting chimneys. For the last few days there had been a banner that changed colour every five minutes. It's shimmering letters urged those who read it to 'REJOICE! OUR TIME OF FEAR IS ENDED!' It hovered high in the air, with no visible means of support, and the residents had put it down to college- student hijinks.  
  
It was still there, swaying slightly in the breeze, but even it seemed dulled by the grey day. Rain trickled sadly down the windowpane, but inside Remus there was a dry desert ache. He closed his eyes. That James and Lily were…it didn't seem real, except for the heaviness in his stomach.  
  
He was ready to leave. Everything was packed…the bag he was taking stood by the door, while various boxes were scattered around the room. He planned on sending them to the wizard's second-hand store on Diagon Alley. Maybe someone else would get some use out of his cauldron: good as new, except for that green fur…  
  
["Did he say to add mugwort or mistletoe?"  
  
"…I think he said mistletoe…I _think _"  
  
"But wait – that doesn't…what use would mistletoe be in an inflammatory healing draught? Let's try mugwort."  
  
"Just wait a minu" –  
  
"…Remus – Remus, are you alright? I'm so sorry, I was sure he said" –  
  
"Lupin! Potter!"]  
  
…coating the bottom, that he'd never been able to get off – no matter how many repair spells he'd used.  
  
So, really, he was ready to leave. Or, he would be, whenever –  
  
Just then a familiar throat cleared, and a familiar blurred reflection appeared in the window glass. Remus twisted his mouth into a smile and turned around.  
  
"I thought you might make an appearance. Sir. There's tea in the kettle. And biscuits – if you're hungry."  
  
"Ah," Albus Dumbledore took in the lonely looking kettle and solitary plate of biscuits resting on a box in the middle of the room.  
  
"I'm sorry…there aren't any chairs. They came for the furniture this morning. But you can pull up a box, if you'd like, professor."  
  
"Quite all right, quite all right. No need to apologize – these are most comfortable," he said, perching on a small crate opposite the tea-box. He glanced around, taking in the bare, stark room, then focused on Remus himself with the same attention. Remus had to look away.  
  
"Won't you sit down, Remus? You'll make me nervous."  
  
He reluctantly pulled up another box to the makeshift table. Dumbledore poured out a cup of tea for him, which he left to cool.  
  
"Gingersnap?" Dumbledore offered, pouring his own cup, and settled back, apparently unconcerned to be drinking tea off a box in a cold empty room.  
  
"How have you been?" he asked.  
  
"I'm fine. I've been fine," Remus replied. "How are things out – out there?"  
  
"Ah, yes, you probably wouldn't know. You've been…busy." The professor's eyes darted around the room again. Remus flushed.  
  
"People have quietened down a little. The wild celebrations have ended…though one feels their spirit remains," he stopped, "And, of course, the question of responsibility and penalty has arisen."  
  
Something shuddered deep within Remus; no matter how he tried to quieten it.  
  
"They think he'll be sentenced to life. In Azkaban," Dumbledore said gently.  
  
Remus nodded jerkily. "It's only right. The – just thing to do," he didn't recognise the hoarse voice as his own.  
  
Dumbledore didn't answer. Remus stood up and wandered to the window. "And the little…little Harry – is he" –  
  
"Safe – yes. I've made sure of that."  
  
"Good. Good."  
  
["Remus! You shouldn't have…I swear – between you, Sirius and Peter, you'll have him spoiled! And that's James' and my job."  
  
"Nonsense, Lily. It's nothing much – just a little toy for…?"  
  
"Harry. We thought he looked like a Harry."  
  
"He does, actually."  
  
"I keep coming in to his room at night…to make sure I haven't dreamed him. He's so good – you wouldn't believe it, Remus. He _never _ cries – well, hardly ever, and yesterday, James was talking about Jorgensen and the latest Quidditch scores: and Harry looked right at him – just like he understood."  
  
"He is a lovely little fellow. He has your eyes."  
  
"That's just what James said. Here – I'll take him out of the crib and you can hold him. Don't worry – he won't mind a bit."]  
  
"Remus?"  
  
He turned. "Sorry. I wasn't – I got lost for a moment. What were you saying?"  
  
"I was asking if I were correct in assuming that you're planning a trip?"  
  
"Oh. Well, I-I thought I might trek through the Borugian Jungle…"  
  
"Famed for it's magical wildlife – ferocious and untamed?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.  
  
Remus ploughed on. "And, well, there's Llywelyn forest."  
  
"Ah. Which may or may not exist."  
  
"Only one way to find out." He offered a brittle smile.  
  
"Quite a trip."  
  
"Yes, well…I – I thought…"  
  
"I had hoped you would remain within owling distance, at least," Dumbledore sounded disappointed. "At a time like this…people turn their thoughts toward reunion, to working together. A noble sentiment, though perhaps more difficult to carry out than people think."  
  
"I think it would be better for me – for everyone – if I left. That's all," Remus said. The professor regarded him interestedly, and he felt skewered by that sharp gaze. "I – just…after this, no-one's going to want even a sniff of something…different – unknown – about the wizarding world. And werewolves…well, they skate a little too close to the dark side. It was hard enough before. Tensions are only going to mount."  
  
Dumbledore nodded gravely. "People are often hasty in their judgements. Mistakes can be made…are made, I don't deny it…" For a moment, he looked older, tired – a trick of the light, Remus thought.  
  
"And Lily and James were wonderful people. There is a loss. We feel it: there will always be regrets…"  
  
Remus swallowed. The words were crawling around his brain like spiders. Regrets…regrets…James with his wide smile and smudged glasses, Lily: her red hair flying behind her. Peter, little Peter Pettigrew, who they had all thought babyish for his fear of…well, everything, really; and who had turned out to be the bravest of all of them. Sirius.  
  
Remus felt something claw up in his throat; something dry and aching. Sirius, with his quicksilver mind and clever fingers. Sirius and his beautiful, beautiful lies  
  
["You can't be serious, Moony."  
  
"I'm very serious. This is me, being serious. _That _ is you, being Sirius."  
  
"_Mo-ony _"  
  
"Pa-adfoot."  
  
"James, tell him he's being a thick-headed moron."  
  
"Remus, you're being a thick-headed moron."  
  
"Thank you. Now you tell him, Peter."  
  
"I – I don't think" –  
  
"That is an excellent point. For Moony, I mean. You're not thinking. You're doing the thing you do."  
  
"The thing I do?"  
  
"You know…where you get all stupid and martyrish and say things like: 'I don't think I fit in here. I should hightail it off to some forsaken jungle just because I have a lunar problem, and some killjoys object to that. I don't want to offend anyone, so I'll just bugger off to the middle of nowhere, pardon me for breathing'."  
  
"That's the thing I do?"  
  
"That's the thing you do. But what you don't realise, when you're beating your breast, and lamenting that you were born: is that you survived seven years of knowing Snape and Malfoy…and you never _once _ mauled them."  
  
"What about…?"  
  
"That doesn't count. And shut up, Pettigrew. So, _clearly _ you are not a danger to society. You're _not _ a monster, Moony. Believe me. So give in and take the room in town, already."  
  
"Sirius, that's a completely irresponsible view to take. I can't risk" –  
  
"You _won't _. You'll be here, near us. Where you belong. We'll keep you in line. Okay…show of hands – who wants Remus to stay? Good –three against one. You're staying"  
  
"You can't make me stay. It would be selfish and reckless and…and how much is the rent on this room you're talking about?"]  
  
Beautiful ["You're _not _ a monster"] lies and oh, he'd wanted ["I'll do something...something completely unexpected. Surprise everyone."] _so much _ to believe…  
  
But he'd packed them away. All of them. Every picture and photograph and stick of furniture. Every lie, every ["You're _not _ a monster"] pretence.  
  
"They're gone…they're all…dead. And I can't be –who they made me," he said, in that sandpapered voice that didn't belong to him. He stared desperately at Dumbledore, who was so calm it made him want to curl up on the hard floorboards and just shake for a while.  
  
"Friends are important." The headmaster eyed Remus kindly, and told him, "But in the end…we must take responsibility for ourselves."  
  
"I – if he'd come to me…I don't know. I don't think I could have done…what Peter did. I don't know if I would have done the right thing," Remus choked out.  
  
"Yes, you would," Dumbledore pronounced softly. "I believe you would have done – the right thing."  
  
He didn't answer.  
  
"In any case, I hope that you find…" Remus expected him to say 'What you're looking for', "Whatever you need."  
  
He paused. "But please remember, at any time, that there is always a place here for good men."  
  
Remus had to look away from the compassion in his eyes. "Well, I promise to let you know if I find any."  
  
*********************************  
  
It was hot. Two weeks, (he thought it was two weeks, it sounded about right), two weeks of fighting or avoiding monsters that had been listed under 'Do-not-touch-with-a-ten-foot-wand' in the textbooks; and cataloguing those that hadn't been in the textbooks at all…and still his first thought about the jungle was that it was hot. The air rolled off the leaves in heavy waves. Walking felt more like swimming, and Remus had to fight the urge to gulp instead of breathe.  
  
He shook his head and moved on. Sweat and the heat had matted his hair, and he could feel the coarse tangles against his cheeks. It was strange. He had expected to feel more…well, _more _ once he got here. After all, he was alone. No-one else to talk with, distract him…he'd expected to be overwhelmed by the past. Instead of which, he woke up and hacked his way further and further into the heart of the jungle. He dodged unnamed and disgusting creatures, or aimed his wand at them and hoped blindly for the best, and felt a little disappointed when everything actually worked out. Then he set up camp and settled down for the night. And got up to do the exact same thing the next morning.  
  
His only explanation was that the heat suffocated all his sorrow. It wasn't, Remus considered, the worst thing that could have happened. Of course, that was assuming that he had ever had any real sorrow to begin with, that his past hadn't all been the influence of friends and their expectations of him. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but even that had lost the power to hurt: weighed down by the heavy air, he supposed.  
  
He trudged onwards, ignoring the prickle at the back of his neck, which felt like someone was watching him. Someone, or _something _, probably was. He'd deal with it whenever it decided to come out of hiding. Which, he reasoned, it probably would, sooner or later.  
  
***************************  
  
He'd spent the next few days waiting for the hidden something to reveal itself. Whatever it was, it had to be pretty powerful. His run-ins with the other jungle creatures had diminished, and he felt it's eyes on him all the time now, no matter where he turned. He could practically taste the hunger pulsing in the air.  
  
It would be all right, he thought. When this thing showed itself, he'd deal with it. Or he wouldn't. It would be okay.  
  
At least, that was what he'd thought until he'd seen it. He'd looked up from his well-thumbed copy of 'Magical creatures, Mythical beasts, and Utter nonsense'…and struggled to his feet at the sight of the pale blur swaying between two nearby trees.  
  
*It can't be, it can't be…it isn't – he's dead, or as good as… *  
  
It staggered towards him, and abruptly he found that the heat hadn't killed any emotions he had ever had. He wished it had, because that would have been better than the feeling that someone had reached down into his chest and squeezed his heart. Hard.  
  
*He's in Azkaban, and no-one leaves there alive *  
  
He was frozen in place; unable to move towards or away from the slowly advancing…person, who eventually came to a shaky stop a foot in front of Remus.  
  
*It can't be. It isn't… *  
  
Now that the figure was closer, he could see that it _wasn't _: couldn't be. There was something off about the movements, too stiff, like a puppet. Still, Remus couldn't stop himself, couldn't help it, had to ask – "Sirius?"  
  
*It isn't *  
  
"Re" – the figure began, before crumpling to the ground. Remus grabbed him around the waist and managed to keep them both upright. He knew it wasn't…people didn't escape from Azkaban, and happen to turn up in the Borugian jungle, a continent away, but he heard himself say -  
  
"Sirius? Sirius!" Familiar eyes stared back at him from a hollowed face.  
  
"…remus…" the figure coughed, and Remus had time to wonder  
  
*How did it know? * . Then, the Sirius-creature made a desperate lunge in his arms, and pressed their lips together.  
  
Remus closed his eyes and felt something inside him melt. And it didn't matter, didn't matter that whatever he was holding in his arms wasn't Sirius. It looked like him, and that was enough. The only thing left to be glad about was that he wasn't faced with the real Sirius, because now he knew ['I don't know if I would have done the right thing'].  
  
"Sirius – Sirius, you're ill. We have to find…"  
  
"…hut…a hut," the creature's arm gestured limply back in the direction from where he came. And Remus knew this wouldn't lead to anything good, but still…he couldn't deny even a false Sirius.  
  
***********************  
  
The dirt floor was hard under his knees, and the air smelt stale. There was a small pile of bones heaped in a corner. The Sirius creature had gasped, "A-animals" weakly, when it noticed Remus' staring. He had nodded and ignored the rounded skull that looked suspiciously human.  
  
He forced the black thoughts from his mind and concentrated on the head in front of him. He gently combed his fingers through matted dark hair and tried to untangle the knots. He didn't know how long he'd been at it, but his knees were aching.  
  
"Tell me if I'm hurting you," he whispered, working his fingers through a difficult snarl.  
  
The Sirius creature's only response was to push it's head back, rub against Remus' palms like a cat. His hands stilled, and the thing twisted around to stroke it's face against his knuckles.  
  
"What happened, Sirius?" he asked, trying to break the spell.  
  
A hard flash of blue eyes was his only answer.  
  
"What happened?" he pressed.  
  
"I don't want to talk about that," it said finally. And there was something slightly off about the inflection, even though the voice was familiar.  
  
"Don't want to talk, don't want to talk," it muttered, and grasped Remus' shoulders, kissed him again, making him dizzy, slightly shaky, like he had lost blood.  
  
There was nothing to do except kiss back. Kiss him…it…again and again, and pretend. Be grateful Dumbledore ['I believe you would have done – the right thing'] would never know.  
  
He couldn't stop himself, though the Sirius-creature didn't seem to object. Kissing back _hard _, yanking the impostor closer. He couldn't get close enough. His hands pulled at whatever rags the other was wearing and managed to get them off, despite their shaking.  
  
He would have found it easier to stop breathing than to stop touching – hands sliding up, down, everywhere, mapping this known stranger. It was unreal, dreamlike, and any attempt to think blew away like smoke. Time passed slow-fast, in a blur of skin and touching, kissing and rubbing, and too soon everything shuddered out of him, leaving only bleak  
  
*If we could have been _anything _ like that, why did we never… *  
  
He swallowed and shuddered some more, even though there was nothing left in him  
  
*_Why _ didn't we ever? *  
  
When he came back to himself his face was pressed into the Sirius- creature's throat and a hoarse voice was repeating, "I loved you, I loved you, I love you, I loved you, even after. I don't know how to stop. Loved you."  
  
He realised it was his own. The Sirius-creature pulled back from him and looked at him with what could be mistaken for tenderness in it's eyes.  
  
"Promise – you won't leave me. Promise me you won't leave."  
  
Remus carefully thought about what was likely to happen. Then he promised.  
  
*****************************  
  
The nightmares started then. Grim blue-tinged nightmares that sucked any peace away, and left Remus more tired than ever. Too tired to step outside the hut. The one time he'd tried, the Sirius-creature had hissed, "You promised!"  
  
He hadn't tried again.  
  
It wasn't so bad. The creature always gave him more than his fair share of the food left. It watched him eat with a strange glitter in it's eyes. Still, Remus could feel the skin tighten over the bones in his face. Even though the creature didn't seem to eat much, it looked healthier every day. There was a shine to it's hair, and it's face had filled out. It looked strong enough to go outside the hut and hunt. If it had wanted to.  
  
Remus was glad it didn't. When he woke up from one of his nightmares, it was always lying beside him, stiller than he'd ever seen Sirius, and Remus gasped out his sobs against a reassuringly hard collarbone. It didn't seem to notice.  
  
The only time it seemed fully aware of him was when they touched. Sex touches. It's eyes would fix on his, and Remus' eyelids would flutter shut on their own. He found himself thinking the strangest things.  
  
*…not a vampire. Not an incubus…unless it's a new evolutionary branch…ohhhh, that's exactly how Sirius would have done it…it's not feeding from my fear, so not a Boggart…though maybe a more developed form… *  
  
Once, afterwards, he looked at it, and said, dreamily, "When you kill me, let it be now." It didn't make much sense, even to himself, but he was feeling light-headed and the thing smiled (*sharp teeth, too sharp… *) and it's eyes flicked slyly in the direction of the bones.  
  
************************  
  
Sometimes it talked to him, and the murmured words slid smoothly into those nightmares and back out.  
  
Once he'd woken from a vision of Sirius' torn throat, James and Lily's bodies on the ground and Peter's blood in his mouth…to find the creature staring at him. He'd gulped in air, and it had smiled.  
  
"Moony…" it had whispered.  
  
"Don't," he'd said helplessly.  
  
It did anyway. "Moony – you still think about them." It wasn't a question.  
  
"I do too," it continued. "But it's all right now. They're gone. They're all gone. And we're safe. We're safe," it crooned.  
  
Remus shuddered, and tightened his arm around the creature.  
  
******************************  
  
It did that more and more often. Heaped heavy comfortless words down on Remus until he could barely breathe from the hurt.  
  
He thought that those words would be what eventually crushed him. He didn't doubt that they would. Anything that stabbed so at his insides had to have some effect physically.  
  
It would have, if it hadn't been for the moon.  
  
He had felt it, something uncontrollable clawing it's way out, ready to tear through his skin; and he'd known it was nearly time.  
  
The thing didn't seem to understand, an ill-fitting smile upon it's face. Or maybe it did, because it began to speak. Horrible words hissing through the air, flicking whip-sharp against Remus' skin.  
  
"….animal, Moony. You're an animal. You're not even that – you're a beast. Sick, diseased _evil _ creature, Moony."  
  
"Stop it," he'd whispered.  
  
"Evil creature. But you knew that, Moony. Remus. You knew, and you still came among us, like you _deserved _ it. Like you _belonged _. You wanted to be _friends _." The scorn stung him, grazed his skull.  
  
"_Stop _ it!"  
  
"…But you can't be friends with a werewolf – can't trust a werewolf, Moony. Pity for us that we did."  
  
It was close to the time of change, and Remus felt anger and confusion swirling through him. "_Stop this _" he tried one more time, mouth awkward around the words.  
  
"I liked you, though, Remus. Moony. I still do. Can you tell? Can you guess why?" It looked honestly curious, and leaned closer. Remus tried to yelp out a warning and batted a clumsy hand in it's direction.  
  
"Because," it breathed, "You're exactly like me."  
  
Anger, pure rage came pouring out his throat, lending strength to his fist as he knocked the thing backwards.  
  
"I'm _nothing _ like you," he drew his teeth back. "And I'm nothing like _him _"  
  
The thing snarled, and lunged forward, two hands fastening around Remus' throat. It was like being touched with silver - sharp-cold pain shooting through him. He kicked out instinctively and the thing stumbled backwards. With strength born of animal rage, Remus darted forward and _shoved _.  
  
There was a thump as the body fell, and a strange hollow-knocking noise as the pile of bones scattered. Then the thing went still, head bent too far to the side, eyes staring at the ceiling. In the too-quiet silence, Remus breathed.  
  
Eventually, he crept closer to investigate. The thing's head rolled back easily at the slightest touch, and Remus almost howled. The yellow-white skull lay beneath the body. The jaw had broken and some of the teeth had come loose and rested like daisy-petals on the floor.  
  
It would have been easier, if the thing had changed back into itself after death. Melted into something dark and sharp. But it didn't, and Sirius' blue eyes stared vacantly upwards; Sirius' body lay sprawled awkwardly on the floor. Remus curled himself around it for a little while, until…  
  
['I believe you would have done…the right thing']  
  
Until he felt ready to move. 


End file.
